Friday, September 29, 2006
Hmm... Borrowed a book yesterday from the library with a chinese title "Let's Go. My jellyfish." Quite nice actually, comprising of ten short stories. Suspect that the author is a gay from the stories he wrote. But his talent cannot be denied. Was reminded of two very good books, A Painted House (John Grisham) and The Little Friend (Donna Tartt), where both main characters are small kids, smart, witty, and sad. Why was that I felt more engaging in sad stories?
Second book-out day yesterday. Suddenly missing my bunk in Tekong. You might think I am crazy. Perhaps. I have never thought of myself as a sane person.
Quite a peaceful day for me. Sitting in my dimming living room, things looking peaceful and serene. Adruptly understand that it is not really peaceful or serene. Dreamy is the word. Never really felt fully awake since I matured. Is it that I can't wake up, or don't want to? I don't know, will not know until then...
Wake up, danny boy, wake up...The voice calling out...
ZZZzzzzzz...
it is just sooner or later
3:28 PM
Friday, September 22, 2006
Booked out yesterday.
Felt as if I was home all along. Guess this is the problem for me now. My life is flashing too fast past me. It is all in a blur and I cannot get a grip on anything. It was as if I was enlisted just yesterday, instead of two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I was hoping that book out day could arrive quickly, but now I hope I am still in camp. How I hope my time will slow down for me to appreciate the people and things around me.
I had learn to think positively from a long time ago. maybe was around the time when I was halfway through polytechnic (which also seems like it's just a few weeks back). Saw one of my friends blog and realized her situation seemed to be very bad. Seeing similiarities. Have lived through it, is experiencing it. Problem is I know (and knew all along from the day when I told myself to be strong) that I could take whatever shit which come into my life, but can she? Hope that she can have faith in herself. Think positively, and you can go through all kind of shit.
It is really quite a difficult time for me now. I am now taking things along my stride, and for the first time of my life I actually did want to have a plan for my life. Maybe can draft it out tomorrow. But I can only do so for myself. Feel so helpless to help my family members, especially my elder sister. She has a long way to go, but is too incapable of looking after herself. Really pissed off by her for forcing more stress on my already stressful mom. Hope I can lessen my mom's burden, and when I got the ability to take care of the family, I will just leave my sis to float on herself. Can't keep relying on others to keep you buoy. Ever since I was in my upper sec I was trying to push her up, helping her above the surface, exerting myself. Now I do not have much strength to spare. Swim or drown, sis.
Anyway life in NS was not bad. Only thing I hate is the lack of freedom and and lack of respect from some officers. I was offended by some of them. But luckily they could only do so much to me, within a small confined area which is called Pulau Tekong. Hope if I could be a specialists or commander, I will not stoop to their level.
Just wanting to tell alot of people "F*ck off, u piece of shit."
Am I really doing the right thing for not being myself?
it is just sooner or later
9:55 AM