Monday, July 24, 2006
Chatting with my friend, ec, on msn messenger. Makes me feel that there is something wrong with young Singaporean. At least those friends around me seem so. It is like there is a lack of motivation and loss of direction in LIFE. Ya, the big word. Wonder why is it so.
Unstable. My friend had said of me. I guess it is true. There is always something stuck in me, something bad like a cancer tumor which makes me feel low. I always have the urge to cry. But it is hard to cry. I do not like crying. But I still feel like crying. F*ck, what am I talking about. Must be going crazy.
It is not too bad to be crazy. When the mind goes jumbles up everything is in a daze, unable to feel or think of anything, except everything looks hilarious all around, lightness in the head, floating in midst of everything as if is on drug.
When I thought life had reached the lowest point, it got even lower. Lower and lower it went, spiralling down into the black hole. Just when I thought it would never end, "THUD", I had hit the bottom. Ok, so be it, I stood up and brushed myself off and moved forward. Thought it would be rising since I was at the lowest point already. It remained level for a very long time, until I felt it began to rise ever so slightly. After sometimes I was tired out, for it was never a easy tasks of going uphill. Thought I was desperate to get up and out of the black hole, I was lack of strength to continue. I sat down for a rest, but fighting the urge of lying down, afraid I would venture into the dreamland and never woke up again, my body dissipated into the darkness around me. Just as I was beginning to relax a sudden realisation came to me, like a slap to my face, that I had fallen into a hole dug by myself. Panic-strickened, I struggled to stand up, only to slide back into the hole. I stayed still, and the sinking stopped. I would deal with this calmly,step by step, slowly, slowly...
...i will see the sunrise again, the eternal beauty.
it is just sooner or later
1:01 PM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Watched Mortuary with my np gang (minus ch) last night. We almost meet every week for our weekly movie session, though the regulars are ty, cw and et. I do not make the list as regulars is because the sessions are usually on weekend night, when I would be working. Of course now I have more time on my hand so I am able to go more often. It was only last week we had watched Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest (still without ch. I called him before the money he said he was low on cash. -_-"). Anyway, although within ten days I have watched two movies, the standards between them are distant. Pirates is the best movie I watched for the past few months, after Fearless by Jet Li and Inside Man. But for Mortuary my friends and I agreed that it was horror-themed for the first half, and comedy for the latter half. The horror part was actually quite good, but towards the end I was like watching a 80's horror flick, and after the movie my cw and I stared with each other and then Laugh Out Loud together . (Tanya's Beautiful Love on FM93.3 . I love it, a beautiful song indeed.)
Ghost festival is coming, I can expect more horror movies in theatre. I hope they are at least of standard like Ju-On 1 and 2. I was lucky to have them four as movie buddies, because we go for (almost) all type of movies, unlike some of my friends (esp. female) afraid to watch specific types of movie. Haha. I was not too picky, or in a sense yes, because I only like to watch one category of movie: Good movies. Of course, what makes a good movie even better is watching it with good friends.
So who's next to improve my movie watching experience? ; )
it is just sooner or later
6:55 PM
Friday, July 21, 2006
~Working In Process~
Working at this hour (11am) looks like a typical thing for most people. But it is only the second time I have came in at 10am for work for the past one month. Wonder what has gotten into me. Just one hour has past and I am beginning to feel restless. And the everlasting ringings of the phones do not make thing better. But I need to endure all of these. It is this endurance which a man character is built on. The limits of man vary, hence only the one who can, and will, endure the hardness of life, will become strong. 忍人所不能忍,行人所不能行。If you can do it, then you are god. How can you define god then? Well, go and watch Initial D (the chinese movie) and you will find the answer (haha).
Alright, in order to achieve that level of humanity and thus becomes god, I will (and can) put up with the ringings of phones, the humidity of the weather, the craps of customers, the dullness of the day, the lack of good movies nowsaday, the long waiting for the latest espisod of my comics, the annoying faces of my superiors, the brooding over monetary problems, the brainless action of senseless people, the unreasonable requirements of everyone from me, the never-ending 'popping' up of troubles, the mercilessly bull-eyed of bad luck at me, the inadequate abilities of myself etc etc...
So much to put up with.*Sigh*.But who says it is easy to become god?
it is just sooner or later
11:02 AM
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Woke up at 10.00am this morning instead of the usual 3pm.Wearing my glasses instead of my contact lenses. I guess those are reasons for my dizziness now. Hears noises coming from the room. Somebody getting up now. Somebody which I love lesser and lesser over the year. Also the same person why I avoid staying at home. Main source of problems. My natural enemy.
A few days back I had walked out of home in the early morning after I was pissed off. I was meaning early as in 1am. Not the first time I had done this. Sometime things get so unbearable in my house that I seek refuge in the outside world, a place where often I felt more at home then, well, when I am at home. I do not feel so constraint when I am outside. Of course things have changed pretty much over recent years, and I have snatched back most of myself from the grip of dread. I do not give a damn anymore. Anyway back to the few days back. I actually decided to just read my novel (the cause of the fit of thing, senseless) at my void deck, but in the end I realized I had to do something more to burn off the negative emotions in me so I decided to walk. To a lan shop 1 hour walking time from the Street. When I crossed the road at the Street there was a gray creature laying on the road. That was a cat. I strode forwards for a better look and saw it was dead, blood oozing out of its mouth. No apparent injury on the outside, except of the popping out of its right eyeball and the dropping off of its left eyeball. It would look hilarious if it was a cartoon character, but not in a real life. I shuddered at the oddness emitting from it and turned to continue my journey. That was when I remember of the first dead cat I saw two hours back, a sand-colored one lying on a grass slope. It was too far to determine it was dead or not, but my instinct and knowledge of cat told me it was, by the way it laid on the grass. Two dead cats in the span of two hours. I was not too keen in symbols in life. But if the dead cats were anything symbolic I was interested to find out.
After this second cat incident I suddenly felt uneasy. The night breeze felt chilling but I was still sweating profusely. Cold sweat broke out from my forehead. My breathing became shallow and irregular. Then abruptly the urge of a puff ascent and I groped around inside my pocket but found no cigarettes. I cursed. Never in my life did I feel more needy of a stick of cigarette. My mind was blanking out. I realized I was panic. I tried to summon my rational and calm side, the side which had carried me through the life of mine. It worked, and I asserted my self-control back. Gradually my breathing returned to normal and the perspiration stopped. I continued walking into the cool, dark night. The rest of the journey was uneventful.
Lying in my bed last night listening to music, listening to my heart...
it is just sooner or later
11:28 AM
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Been following the news on Zidane headbutting Materazzi. But today still do not have the chance to read the newspaper. But I saw something about Materazzi insulting Zidane's mother and sister. People have been criticising Zidane for his action and making loads of comments on his behaviors. They said his career ended in disgrace. I say tell them to f*ck off. They can try to be put in Zizou's shoe and lets see if someone insulted their mothers how would them react. If I was wearing the French number 10 shirt on that WC final pitch and this Italy number 23 came along and sprouted some nonsense to me, I will first of all give him a kick in the groin, then a solid punch to his nose. I guess that will be enough to knock him to the grass. And comes the moment for me to execute the killing move: The People's Elbow. I think that will make sure he will never kick a ball in his pathetic life again. WAHAHAHA!!!! Of course that is exaggerating, but it reflects my feeling on it.
Henry said on Zidane," you can take a man out of a rough neigbourhood, but you can never take a rough neighbourhood out of a man." I think is very true. A man can change his appearance and behaviour, but he can never change what is inside him, the core which is the pillar of him as a human. Wonder how will it be like if I live according to my core. Must be fun. And violent. But how I wish to live that way.
Just now been talking to my friend xy on msn. Make me think of the friends I can really talk to. Which means I feel comfortable talking to, at the same time I know they are reliable, and able to give me sensible advise and truthful views. That does not really mean they are close to me. But they have a calming effect on me. They might not know they belong to this special group, but I want to thank them.
Really wants to live my life by my way, but cannot find the courage to do so.
Buck up, old Zizou, I will always be behind you for what u did at the final. Good luck to you.
it is just sooner or later
8:59 PM
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Been a while since I have blogged, because I have been feeling tired for the past few days. More importantly, I could not find any interesting to blog about. Not even the WC final between Italy and France enthused me to blog about them. But thinking back I realised that France should be the winner instead. I found there were alot of similiarities between this final match and the quarter-final between Portugal and England. Both matches ended in draw after 120 minutes, with 10 men vs 11 men. And the 10-men teams looked more threatening and exhibited the desire to win the match. And they deserved to win the matches. But on both occasions they failed. England could blamed only themselves as their spotkick takers flung their shots, but France could blamed it on luck, when Trezeguet hit his shot on the underside of the bar. Barthez even guessed correctly the direction of the Italian shots on two occasions. But he was too short for a goalkeeper (183cm), and could only reach that far. Later on Andrea Pirlo was named Man-of-the-Match, fair enough, but I thought his teammate cum captain Fabio Cannavaro deserved that title more then him, along with french Zizou Zidane (that is without the red-card and the stunning save of Buffon in the 103th minute). And Marco Materazzi could claim the most outstanding performance for giving away a penalty, scored the equaliser and one of the spotkicks, and most importantly was to get Zidane so pissed off that he recieved a world class headbutt from him (which will impress all the wrestlers at WWF) , and his acting skill of falling down, as if just being rammed by an eighteen-wheeler (which in turn will impress the judges of Oscar). *Sigh* The rest, as they said, is history.
I felt disappointed for England and France. Anyway everything is settled and history, they can only look forwards to Euro 2008 and World Cup 2010. England looks to have a brighter future with all the young hopefuls and the current veterans. By then most of their players will be at the ascent or peak of their playing years, and they will not be coached by a lame and inadequate man named Sven-Goran Eriksson.
France's future seems bleak, without core players Zidane, Makelele, Thuram, and probably Veira, Gallas and Henry too, for WC 2010.
In football I have learnt that the best team does not always win. Is it not the same as in life?
Losers are not always the worst, nor are winners the best.
Do not be discouraged by defeats, because that do not always mean your opponent is stronger then you.
Do not be arrogant if you emerge victorious, because that does not always mean you are better then the others.
Respect your opponents, and earned their respect. Beats them convincingly. Then you are a true champion.
easy to say, hahaha...
it is just sooner or later
3:43 PM
Monday, July 03, 2006
Brazil and England, the two super powers in the football world, had been eliminated from the quarter-final of World Cup 2006 Germany, in Frankfurt and Gelsenkirchen respectively. They left the tournament with european teams only. Germany will meet Italy, while France will clash with Portugal. Not a bad combination, though the only surprise is the absence of the Brazilians. But it still looks more convincing then four years age, with Germany, Brazil, South Korea and Turkey. But I hope England should be included instead of Portugal. *Sigh*
I had watched 1 1/2 of the match live, which is the whole of Eng vs Por match and 2nd half of Bra vs Fra. Earlier of the day I was supposed to meet my three friends (lj, pam, ron), but I overslept and in the end had to pay $9.50 for a movie I did not watch. But what made it worse is I paid that for a lousy movie (according to all 3 friends) which i missed. *Sigh*
Reached home this afternoon at around 12noon. Being with my two friends after the soccer match and chatted for six hours straight. Must be out of my mind. Thought I want to sleep during the normal hours but ended up being nocturnal again. *Sigh*
Signing in my msn 2 hours ago, I looked for some friends to chat with. Not a lot is online, only sixteen. Then slowly the number decreased. Eleven, ten, and now only left with eight. Seeing the list not only decreasing but also finding hard those friends which I could talk to, amplifying the loneliness in me. It was as if I am living in a world of my own. In a way it is. I was born to be alone, and from my childhood onwards it has never left me. I want to find a way out, to escape from its suffocating grasp. I really want to find someone to help me. *Sigh*
Night has come and lingers, but I am still awake, fully aware of the world going around me. I can almost taste the darkness of the night, and hears the silence soaring in it. The engine hum of the late SBS bus chase it away for a moment , before it returns again. The darkness and silence seep into the house secretly, filling it up effortlessly. Only the light from my monitor and the clickings of my keyboard battled them bravely, unwilling to let darkness and silence take all of the house. Suddenly it seems like they are my only allies in this world, the only friends who understand me completely. And in a way, they are. *Sigh*
So many hellos and goodbyes there are in one's life. Thing changes and moves on rapidly. It applies to everyone, but I hope my life would not be left only with loneliness at the end of it.
*Sigh*
Adruptly I realized I am solely scare of loneliness, but I know love conquered all.
And I can't find it...haiz...
it is just sooner or later
2:38 AM