Friday, June 30, 2006
I had not been working for the previous day again. Not because I did not want to, but rather I could not go. My supervisor had again called me in the morning that I would not be required for the day. All of a sudden a dreadful feeling crept into me; for the first time of my life did I understand the mood of unemployed. I should really work harder and cherish my job.
Knowing that I would not be working I allowed myself to slept late. After I had waken up in the afternoon, I went through the routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face, before I went infront of my pc and switch it on. Signing in and out of my yahoo mail and msn messenger, finding not much interest, I went to play some online games. It was really mindless playing those games, but it beat having nothing to do. My favorite is Bejewelled 2 Deluxe, because it does not require much thinking and is fun to score points just like that. After my computer session it was almost evening I think so I went for a bath, deciding to go out later. But I ended staying at home watching tv, thus experiencing my
xth negative feeling of the day: loneliness.
(*Yawn*... Apologies to all viewers, because even I'm falling asleep from the above topic. But the more exciting ones coming up. Stay tune.)
There was a late night movie titled "John Carpenter's Ghost of Mars", (Quite adruptly I'm disconnected. Connecting in process.) starring Ice Cube, a Natasha something and a Jason something. I watched it through, reminding me of the movie Doom. (Alright here's the exciting part.) I mentioned before I like night-time, but not totonight's, as I had four encounters with the other species which I despised: the cockroach, also known affectionately as xiao qiang.
The first was at my kitchen floor, and I ignored it. The second encounter was thrilling. I was washing the dishes for supper and was filling my used cup for my milo earlier with tap water, which I left standing beside the sink for some moment. After I cut the flow, I heard splashing sound. You guess it, there was a one swimming roach-stroke in MY cup. You can imagine my anger there. Luckily I had only half-filled the cup, so I proceeded with the execution of the intruder employing a swift and effective way (trial and tested), by mixing washing detergent into MY cup. *Sign* The poor thing did not get a chance to indulge itself in a extravagant bubble bath before its final moment. I threw its body away, a mistake as I should have hanged it up to pose as a warning to its comrades not to cross their boundaries (hehe). Anyway I met the next one at the kitchen cabinet. I made it fell off and overturned on the floor, but hestitated a moment too long to let it seized the chance to escape from gruelsome death. The last one was spotted on my dad's bedroom's door. I was tired at the sight of it, so I just resigned myself to its extistence(for the day).
(Suddenly have the impulse to say sorry to a few people.)
Sorry..
it is just sooner or later
4:32 AM
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
5.19pm in the evening...
... and 11 minutes past by, I have yet to start on my blog. Haha. Just msn-ing with my colleagues at work. I was suppose to work today but received a call from my supervisor (8am plus) to inform me that my service would not be required for the day. So I had went to sleep and instead of preparing for work. Been watching soccer match (3am-6am) between the Swiss and Ulkrainian. The match lasted so long was because of the extra time and PK. In term of entertaining value I thought that the match was boring , but tactically both teams had done a great job and defended well, cancelling out each other's attack. Of cause the lack of decent attacking players in both squads did not contribute to the scoreline, which ended 0:0. Personally I would have like the Swiss to proceed to the quarter-final as they emits a sense of stability. But the lack of attacking prowess had proved costly to their world cup journey. And the PK match is disastrous to them.
Before the match (1am) I had been reading a novel by Donna Tartt titled "The Little Friend". Really a captivating book. Strongly recommended to all. After I woke up this afternoon (3pm) I continued reading it after finishing my second meal of wanton mee (first one was before I slept) bought home by my dad. Then reading a part about a cat I suddenly thought my childhood. I recalled an incident which I followed my neighbour, ying, to a nearby neighbourhood to discard a box. Inside the box were three or four kittens just been given birth by my ying's pet cat the night before. We chose a bench to laid down the box, and played with the kittens for a while. Then we tilted the box so that the kittens could get out. Before I left I cast a last glance at them, strangely, feeling no sadness but a hope that they would survive in the concrete wildeness around them. Thinking back I realised that they had not a chance to survive till the next break of the day, either starving to death, or more likely devoured by rats or crows or other cats. But that period at my old house was only the time where I felt really happy in my life, staying on the second storey of block nine, thus my favorite numbers: 2and 9.
7.01pm now. Whoa, I had spent so much time on this post. Haha. Never should have blogged and msn-ing at the same time, with the wmp running rock songs in the background.
Still, it is great to msn-ing with friends who cared about me, listening to song I like in a familiar environment, reading novel in my bedroom instead of working, and sms-ing with somebody I loved earlier. I felt a pleasant sense of peace and calmness washing over me.
What a rare day for me.
it is just sooner or later
5:19 PM
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Woke up at 7.45am today. Slept at 1.30am. That means 6hrs 15min of sleep. At last I could sleep with some the usual hours which a typical human sleeps.
I had a weird dream in my sleep. (Suddenly I've the impulse to listen to some music. So I open up my wmp n play it directly. A hokkien song by jay chou. hmm not too bad... I set the sound to just almost audible. Any louder and I can't concentrate writing, haha). Weird dreams have always been part of my life. I always think it is a pity that I do not have enough "ink" in me to be a writer, if not I can just jot down my dream every time I wake up and I will have enough ideas for my work for the rest of my life. I guess it is just because I am an imaginative person, and of course being emotional did not help it. By the way the latest dream was about some cats which understood human languages and can turn into young girls. Senseless, yes, but my dreams have always being it, and most of the time confusion comes along. There is a saying that dreams are like prophecies, and can forecast the future. If that is the case then I think mine will be complicated as hell, and will also drives any dream-teller mad if I approach one.
I felt really good this morning, without a trace of any negative emotion. Funny, but it is great anyway, to be able to feel the lightness of my body instead of the heaviness iof my heart everyday I awoke. For some unknown reason I had been feeling depressed and low for the past few weeks. Or is it months? Forgotten, but it is good to feel like an "alive" person again. (Whoa... jay's ban dao tie he. This one I don't mind turning up the volume a bit). Really want to thank all those who offered helps and shown concern for me for the past weeks, to whatever extent: huiting, wooty, beak, kan, pam, manyun, diana, xinyi, chinni, sheryl and other "ikan bilis" who might have slipped my mind (haha, sorry). [Looking at the names now I am surprise to see some unexpected names in it. Maybe I have gone soft and been sprouting my problems for everyone to see. Sh*t, must eliminate them all at once. lolx]
Some remarks from the above group:
-Heh, dun be sad la (how I hope)
-if u r depress dun keep it to urself (obviously, I did not. lol)
-can find a corner and cry it all out ( I want to, but it isn't easy to summon my well of tears)
-recommend u a book, can cheer u up (sorry I've forgotten the title again, haha)
-wat happen? (thanks for ur concern)
-life's is like a roller coaster, there is up's and down's (sound advise, but I don't want my life to be one, because most roller coasters always start and end with a low point)
-i miss de old u , cheery, happy n... lame ( I miss the old me too, minus the lame part)
-u r not like de danny I noe, *refer to above* (that's not really me...)
-should let go all ur hatred (impossible, can only minimize it)
-(referin to 1 of my msn nicks) y r u crying?, y do u wan to cry?, dun cry la,(and a very evil one) CRY BA!!!
(Finish listening to the entire album of "ba du kong jian".)
Can't help thinking of you day and night.
it is just sooner or later
9:19 AM
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I have been trying hard.
Or have I?
It is 3.04am in the morning. The house was dim and quiet, just like my mind. I have been trying for so long, so hard, to look for those support that would lift my life. I had found them before, but strangely they dissipated quickly away. People finds strength in those they loved, be it family, lover, god, or money. But where is mine? I have not been able to find a permanent support, though I always tried. It might that I am too weak, unable to find that strength to take control of my life. It is just like the coming and going of a day, except that my nights are always longer then the days. I cannot feel the warmth from the sun, but comes the night the coldness radiates from the shadowy moon pierces through my skin and into the bones, making me feeble from the inside. Although I have been trying to lengthen the day, but it always slips through my grasp effortlessly and silently.
I have always loved the serenity of the night because it allows me to think of myself, thus making me feel the existence and presence of myself. But deep inside I know I should not have done this, as it set up a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I want to break it, to make an impact to the outside word so I can feel my presence from the people around me. I really do.
Moreover, death is only a breath away from us. Life is only the span of a breath. It starts with an inhalation and end with an exhalation. I do not want to die within myself, to experience death before I can experience life. How I crave for the sunrise, which indicates the ending of the dark night. With every ray brings hope and warmth to me, however slight it might be. Even if I was to die before witnessing the sunrise, I hope to die under a starry night, with every star conveying the hope and the warmth from the sun.
Sunrise is such a beautiful thing. And it is the only thing which remains beautiful forever.
it is just sooner or later
4:00 AM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Being a long time since I have posted...
As I had stated, I do not have enough time and energy to post frequently. Or more correctly, I am lack of the movation to do so. Every blogger has his/her own objective of of blogging. Mine is to reflect on the life of this guy named teamilk aka the duck, which seems to be myself. I do not know why, but recently the only thing that is happening in my life is... nothing. It is like a vast emptiness, as if africa plain stretching so far that I am unable to see the horizon. Everything is static in it, like a fading brown scene caught frozen inside of the frame of an old camera. The air is still, not a single weed move, the silence within it is so deafening that it almost drives me mad. Only the sky keep changing, from day to dust, but always cloudy. It is the only indication of time, the only thing that is moving within it. I keep walking towards the distant horizon, but never closing the distance in between. I am desperate to get out from this piece of land, longing for the sight of a new lush, green and bright land infront of me. But I was afraid to run, afraid to be wore down by the humidity and dryness of the environment, afraid of the dimness and the tall weeds will block my view of any traps lying in wait of me. I knew that if I fell, it will be utterly impossible for me to regain my balance again. So I proceed warily, one step at a time, without rest, without food nor water. With every breath I take, sandpaper rubs against my throat and lungs. How I long for the waterhole in that lush piece of land at the other side of the horizon line. Could I make it in time? Could I reach there before I bent in to the force of gravity, falling down and lost forever in the sea of the still weeds? Could I summon the wave of strength, the solid sense of energy which will propel me out of the frame and to the other side of the horizon? I do not know...
The only thing that I am aware now is I am lost helplessly in this plain. It is like a nightmare haunting me, closing me down. Only thing is, it is
real.
"oh give me a home where the buffalo roamswhere the deer and the antelope playwhen seldom is heard. a discouraging wordand the skies are not cloudy all dayhome, home on the range......"
it is just sooner or later
11:06 AM
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Maybe it is hard for people to understand me.I don't even understand myself.Just like now I cannot find any reason to sleep. Two more hours and I will be at my office preparing for work. And just a few hours before I had met my poly friends for a short gathering. We had our dinner together and some chat. After clearing the bill and left the restaurant (hope the manager would not remember us, but we will sure remember him), the four of us, jess, jf and xy, were at loss of what to do. Just like when we were deciding what to eat earlier. [Remind me of those days when we were working as a group and would always face with new dilemmas everytime during our group meeting. Thinking of it now really surprise myself how have I graduated from a school which I despised.] xy suggested pool, the other two were not interested, thus we just stroll around aimlessly. Guess if I were not there those girls would definitely went shopping and lived happily after for last night. Haiz... Maybe I really should not be there after all. Though the laughers and chit-chatting of the girls were still there, how come it felt so different from me? If a spot has smeared a plain paper, the paper will never be plain again. Changes had befell upon us all. Personalities, appearances, attitudes toward one another, friendships and more. Somehow I could not find the sense of belonging to the group anymore, back to the time when we had just met and acquainted. It had been lost since I left the group for the first time unwillingly. And it just felt differently afterwards, even after I had returned. The only thing that was familiar with me was jf, whom I knew the longest.
I found out that what is most beautiful in life are simple things. For me it is just the pure sensations when I was with true friends, friends being together just for the sake of being together. And the well-beings of the ones I really care for, and the serenity and quietness of the night, and the presence of the girls I love.
But sometimes, strangely, these simple things are actually hardest to get.
I regret not cherishing them.
it is just sooner or later
4:03 AM